Ask, Listen, Then Adapt
Where you are: Module 7 · Lesson 27 of 30 · about 26 minutes (reading 14, video 0, practice 12). Until now the course has worked on your own reactions. This lesson turns to the person in front of you: you replace a label with a neutral question, listen to the answer, and change your next step because of what you heard.
What you'll be able to do
- Replace a label about a colleague ("a Five", "lazy", "negative") with the facts and one neutral question.
- Test a question: is it neutral, factual and open, with no type language?
- Compare the answer with your first guess and adapt your next step to the answer, not to the guess.
- Keep the change inside your own authority, and promise nothing you do not decide.
A label is not a fact
A label says what a person is: "a Five", "lazy", "negative", "the nervous one". A fact says what happened: "said little in three meetings", "sent the report at 15:15". Once you hold a label, it is easy to read the next event through it. That is this course's concern, not a research finding.
What the authors say about reading other people:
- Riso and Hudson write that "there is no easy, automatic way to diagnose either yourself or others", and that it takes "time, sensitivity, the ability to observe, and an open mind" (1996, PDF page 70).
- The same book suggests managers can manage better by knowing their employees' types (PDF page 28), with no evidence given; and in 1996, Riso wrote that there is "at present, no scientific proof for the nine personality types" (PDF page 42). This course never uses types to judge colleagues or decide anything about them.
- Chestnut and Paes, writing to readers who want to find their own type, say: "No one piece of data will give you the final answer; you have to put all the pieces together" (2021, PDF page 19). We use only the point about one piece of data.
None of these sources gives a method for asking questions. The steps and tests below are this course's design, not tested methods.
Ask: three steps and a three-part test
The three steps (our design):
- Spot the label. Look for a word that says what the person is: a type, a trait, or a mood turned into a person.
- Write the facts. Who did what, and when. What you do not know stays unknown: "why: not known".
- Ask about their view. Write one question about the situation as they see it.
A question is ready when all three parts of this test are true (our design):
- Neutral. It assumes no feeling, no motive and no type. Words like "again", "always" and "still" often carry an assumption.
- Factual. It is about the situation, the work or what they have noticed, not about what kind of person they are.
- Open. It cannot be answered with yes or no. It invites their own words.
| Weak question | What is wrong | A better question |
|---|---|---|
| "Why do you keep missing the handover meeting?" | "Keep" assumes a habit; "why" asks for a defence. | "How does the handover meeting fit with your shift?" |
| "Are you upset about the new rule?" | It names a feeling, and it is yes or no. | "What is your view of the new rule?" |
| "Don't you think the plan is fine?" | It leads to one answer. | "What would you change in the plan, if anything?" |
Four openings that usually pass: "How do you see…?", "What have you noticed about…?", "What would you change, if anything, about…?" and "What do you need, if anything, for…?"
Ask once, in private where you can, and listen to the end. A question does not replace your authority: if a deadline or a safety issue cannot wait, you still act on the facts you have.
Listen, then adapt
Chestnut and Paes advise readers to "get input from people in your life whom you trust to help you see your blind spots" (PDF page 19). We use this only for the idea that another person's view can correct your own picture, never as advice to type anyone.
The loop below is our design:
Before you ask, write "My guess: … My plan: …". Write the answer in their words, in quotation marks, with your own reading on a separate line. Then compare: does the answer fit your guess, fit part of it, or not fit it? Change only the part of your next step that the answer changed, and keep what still holds.
Say it back. After they answer, say in one sentence what you heard and ask if you have it right: "So you count the stock on Monday and send the figures on Tuesday. Is that right?" This is a habit we recommend, not a finding.
| The answer | What it means for your next step |
|---|---|
| Your guess was wrong | Drop the part of the plan that rested on the guess. Plan from the new fact. |
| It fits part of your guess | Keep that part, and plan for the part the answer added. |
| It tells you little ("it is fine", "I would rather not say") | Note it as an answer. Keep your check-in, do not press, and do not decide what it hides. You may ask again another day, about the work. |
Inside your authority. You can change your own next step. For what you do not decide (a system someone else owns, a budget, leave), ask the owner, tell your colleague what you asked and when you will report back, and promise nothing about the result.
What an answer cannot do. It cannot show what a person is like or what type they are. A note that begins "This shows that he is…" is a new label.
Worked example
Part 1, the question. Layla leads a customer-service team of six. In the last two team meetings Zaid asked, "What if the new shift pattern fails?" The preference form was due on Thursday at 12:00 and Layla has not received his. She thinks, "Zaid is a Six."
| Step | Layla's page |
|---|---|
| Label | "A Six." A type label. Removed. |
| Facts | "In two meetings Zaid asked what happens if the new pattern fails. The form was due Thursday at 12:00; I have not received it. Not known: why, whether he has seen the form, what he thinks of the pattern." |
| Question | "What would you change, if anything, about the new shift pattern?" |
It is neutral ("if anything" leaves room for no change), factual and open, with no type word.
Part 2, adapting. Wael supervises a transport desk. A rule from Operations, which Wael cannot change, says every booking goes on the new sheet the day it arrives. For two weeks Rimas's bookings have appeared the next morning.
Before asking, Wael writes: "My guess: she resists change. My plan: remind everyone at Sunday's meeting." He asks, "How is the new sheet working for you?"
Rimas says: "It works for entering. The old sheet had the driver's phone number next to each booking and the new one does not. I call the driver from the old sheet first, and I copy the booking across the next morning."
Wael says it back, and Rimas says yes.
| Before | After | |
|---|---|---|
| Guess | "She resists change." | Dropped. She enters every booking; the missing phone number delays it. |
| Next step | Remind everyone on Sunday. | Thank her. Ask Operations whether a phone-number column can be added. Tell Rimas he asked and will report back on Wednesday. Ask her: "What would let you enter each booking the same day?" |
| Kept | The same-day rule. | The same-day rule. |
| Not promised | That the column will be added. Operations decides. |
He cannot say that Rimas resists change or that the problem is solved.
Your turn
Work privately in your coaching record. Use no real names.
Part A. Three labels. Taleen supervises a clinic reception team. Her private notes hold three labels.
| Label | What she knows | What she does not know |
|---|---|---|
| 1. "Lubna is a Two." | On Monday and Wednesday Lubna took over patient calls from other desks' lists. On Wednesday she stayed 40 minutes after 16:00. Taleen did not ask her to. | Why. Whether she wanted to. |
| 2. "Osama is lazy." | His weekly count was due Wednesday at 12:00. It arrived at 12:40, 13:15 and 12:55 in three of the last four weeks. | Why. What the count involves for him. |
| 3. "Faten is negative." | When Taleen showed the new check-in form on Monday, Faten said, "That will not work," and gave no reason. | What she meant. What she has tried. |
For each label, write the facts (unknowns kept as unknown) and one question that passes the three-part test.
Part B. Adapt after the answer. Deema combines her team's Thursday log checks into one summary, which takes about 45 minutes, and sends it to her manager at 13:30. She cannot change that time. Five weeks ago she moved the team's deadline from 13:00 to 12:00 and told the team at a Sunday meeting. She also writes the welcome email for new joiners. Nayef joined eight weeks ago; whether he was at that Sunday meeting is not known. His checks arrived at 12:35, 12:40 and 12:45 on the last three Thursdays.
Deema's guess: "He does not take the deadline seriously." Her plan: "Remind everyone at the next meeting." She asks, "How does the Thursday check work for you?" Nayef says: "I send it before one o'clock, every week. The email I got when I joined says 13:00."
Write (1) Deema's next question, (2) her changed next step: what stays, what changes and what she checks before she acts, and (3) one line on what the answer shows and one on what it does not show.
Check your work
Part A, one good answer.
- Facts: "On Monday and Wednesday Lubna took over calls from other desks' lists; on Wednesday she stayed 40 minutes after 16:00; I did not ask her to. Not known: why, whether she wanted to." Question: "What have you noticed about the calls from other desks this week?"
- Facts: "Due Wednesday 12:00; arrived 12:40, 13:15 and 12:55 in three of four weeks. Not known: why, what it involves." Question: "What does the Wednesday count involve on your side?"
- Facts: "On Monday, when I showed the form, Faten said, 'That will not work', with no reason. Not known: what she meant." Question: "How do you see the new form working at your desk?"
Part B, one good answer. (1) "What does that email say about the Thursday check?" (2) The guess is dropped. The deadline stays at 12:00, because a check arriving at 13:00 plus 45 minutes is 13:45, after the 13:30 send. Deema first reads the welcome email herself, because she wrote it; she does not take the account as proved. If it says 13:00, she tells Nayef herself where the current deadline is written, and corrects the email. She does not repeat the guess at the team meeting. (3) Shows: he sends before 13:00 and says he works to the time he was given. Does not show: how seriously he takes deadlines, or what kind of person he is.
Criteria. Each facts line holds only what happened, with unknowns kept. Each question is neutral, factual and open, with no "always", "why are you" or type word. The next step changes where the answer changed it, keeps what still holds, and stays inside Deema's authority. Nothing says what Lubna, Osama, Faten or Nayef is like.
Not yet: "Are you overworked?" (a feeling, yes or no); "Move the deadline to 13:00" (it breaks the 13:30 send); "This shows he follows rules to the letter" (a new label).
Later, at work (private). Ask one real question about someone's view of a situation. Note their answer in their words, with no name, and what you changed. If you could not ask, write what stopped you; that is a complete entry.
Extra practice (optional)
Fares leads a stores team. The food-safety plan, which he cannot change, says the morning fridge readings are signed on a sheet the same morning. He decides where on site the sheet is kept; it is in the office, locked until 08:30. On two Sundays Leen opened the unit and the sheet was blank. His guess: "She thinks the sheet is a waste of time." Leen says: "I check the fridges at seven and write the readings on the kitchen whiteboard. The sheet is locked in the office. On those two Sundays I was called to the delivery door and forgot to fill it in later." Write his next question and his changed step.
Key. Next question: "What do you write on the whiteboard, and what happens to it afterwards?" Changed step: the guess is dropped; same-morning signing stays; Fares moves the sheet to the kitchen, inside his authority, and tells the team why without naming Leen. Whether the two Sundays' readings still exist is unknown: he asks, and assumes neither that they were fine nor that they were missed.
Knowledge check
Which of these is a fact and not a label?
A colleague answers your neutral question with 'It is fine.' What is the best reading?
A colleague's answer shows your guess was wrong. Which next step adapts?
Answers explained
- C is right: it says what happened, with times. A and D say what Hazim is. B adds a type.
- A is right: an answer is information about the situation. B and C use one answer as proof of a story about the person. D decides it hides something and presses.
- B is right: the plan changes where the guess was wrong. A and C protect the guess. D replaces the guess with a new label.
Key takeaways
- A label says what a person is; a fact says what happened. Replace the label with the facts and keep the unknown unknown.
- A good question is neutral, factual and open, with no type word. Ask once, then listen.
- Write your guess as a guess, write the answer in their words, compare, and change only what the answer changed.
- An answer is information about a situation. It never shows a type, and it does not replace your authority.
- The steps, the test and the loop are this course's design, not tested methods.
Sources
- Riso, D. R. with Hudson, R. (1996) Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery (revised edition). Houghton Mifflin. PDF page 70 (no easy, automatic way to diagnose yourself or others), PDF page 28 (the statement about managers), PDF page 42 (Riso's 1996 statement that there is "at present, no scientific proof for the nine personality types"). PDF page numbers, not printed numbers.
- Chestnut, B. and Paes, U. (2021) The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up. Hampton Roads Publishing. PDF page 19 (no one piece of data gives the final answer; input from people you trust). The passage is addressed to readers finding their own type.
- This course's own design: the three steps, the three-part test, the openings, the guess-ask-answer-compare-adapt loop, saying it back, and the authority rule. The cases of Layla, Zaid, Wael, Rimas, Taleen, Lubna, Osama, Faten, Deema, Nayef, Fares and Leen are fictional. No source used here tests these methods.