Approval, Respect and Fair Decisions
Where you are: Module 6 · Lesson 26 of 30 · about 27 minutes (reading 11, practice 10, checkpoint 6). This lesson works on how you decide who gets which task, and on your own wish to be liked. It ends the module with Record Checkpoint 6 and the Module 6 checkpoint.
What you'll be able to do
- Write criteria for an allocation (who gets a task or an opportunity) and apply them the same way to everyone.
- Keep a short allocation record that the people affected can see.
- Ask, rather than guess, when a fact you need, such as someone's availability, is unknown.
- Name your own wish to be liked as your pull, never as anyone's type, and write "not here" if it is absent.
What the sources give
This lesson works on your own decisions and your own pull. It never decides what a colleague is like, and nothing in it is a basis for an employment decision.
- Chestnut and Paes (2021), in the part for readers who identify as a Type 2, have a section called "Needing to Be Liked". It begins: "Much of the time, you tend to be motivated by approval and have an underlying fear of being rejected or excluded." Among the actions for that type: "Actively acknowledge that not everyone will like you." This is advice to readers who identify as that type. We use it as one example that the authors name the wish to be liked as something to notice. We do not use it to say that you, or anyone you manage, belongs to that type.
- Riso and Hudson (1996): "there is no easy, automatic way to diagnose either yourself or others."
Our reading. We found no tested method for fair allocation in the sources cited for this course. The criteria, the record and the reasoning below are this course's own design. That being liked and being respected can differ is this course's reasoning, not a research finding.
Written criteria
Before you decide who gets what, write the criteria down. Examples:
- who is available on the day;
- who has a stated interest in developing a skill;
- who has done the work recently;
- a fair share of hours, or a turn in a rotation.
Then apply the same criteria to every person. A rotation is as valid as a skills-based choice, if the rule is written down.
What is not a criterion: a person's type or gender; how close you are to them; whether they complain; whether they ask for things. "The person who complains least" and "the person I get on with" are not criteria. If you could not show the reason to everyone affected, it is not ready to use.
The three-line allocation record (our design)
Keep it short enough that you will keep it, and visible to the people affected.
- Criteria: the two or three you used.
- Allocation: who gets what, with hours or dates.
- Open question and review: any fact you did not know, and when you will look again.
When a fact is unknown, ask. If you do not know whether someone can do a task on a given day, ask before you allocate. "Probably free" is a guess.
Explaining a decision. Anyone who gets a task they did not want can be told the criteria and shown the record. That is the explanation. You do not need to defend yourself or ask them to agree.
Liked and respected
Wanting to be liked is a common human wish. It becomes a pull when it changes a decision: for example, giving the easy tasks to the person you most want to please. Name it as yours, with "may": "I may be protecting my wish to be liked." Never write it about a colleague. If it is not there, "not here" is a complete answer.
This course's reasoning is that people can see whether a decision followed criteria, and that this is one way a manager can earn respect. It is reasoning, not evidence.
Worked example
Yazan supervises a clinic reception team of four: Lana, Taim, Hamdan and Salwa. The clinic pays for two places on a one-day course on the registration screens of its patient system, next Tuesday. Yazan decides who goes.
- Salwa and Lana both register patients. Neither has been on a course on the system.
- Taim went on a course on the system last year. He handles appointments.
- Hamdan handles payments and does not register patients.
- Yazan has lunch with Lana and Taim most weeks.
His private note: "My first thought was to send Taim, because we get on well. I may be protecting my wish to be liked by the people I eat with. I hold this loosely."
| Line | Yazan's record |
|---|---|
| Criteria | "1. The course is about registration, so places go to people who register patients. 2. No course on the system in the past year." |
| Allocation | "Salwa and Lana go on Tuesday." |
| Open question and review | "Whether Hamdan or Taim wants a place on the next course is not known. I will ask both at the next one-to-one, and use the same criteria next time." |
To Taim: "Two places went by two criteria: the course is about registration, and neither Salwa nor Lana has had a course on the system. Here is the record." What Yazan cannot say: that Taim is less keen, or that Salwa and Lana will use the course better.
Your turn
Work in your private coaching record (Lesson 6). Nothing here is sent anywhere.
This week, Sunday to Thursday, Maha has four tasks to give to three people: Nasser, Hana and Aseel. Each has about 5 free hours this week.
| Task | Hours | Day |
|---|---|---|
| A. Stock count | 3 | Sunday |
| B. Client call-back list | 2 | Tuesday |
| C. Data-entry job | 4 | Wednesday |
| D. Site visit report | 3 | Thursday |
- Hana is on leave on Thursday. Whether Nasser can take the Wednesday task is not known; nobody has asked him. Otherwise everyone is available on the task days.
- Nasser has done the stock count twice, and said at his last one-to-one that he would like to do client calls. Hana has done data entry three times. Aseel joined this month and has said she is happy to try any task.
- Maha's private note: "I want to give Aseel the light tasks so that she likes it here. I want the team to like me."
- Allocate. Add the hours. Write two or three criteria, then the three-line record, giving all four tasks to the three people.
- Check the note. Can Maha's note be used as a criterion? Answer in one line.
- Record Checkpoint 6 (private). Choose one area from this module: delegating, giving feedback, staying present in a disagreement, setting a limit, or making a fair decision. Write a small plan about your own reaction: the situation (one line, with a day); your reaction ("I may…"); one small step inside your own role that needs nobody's approval; a stop condition; and what you will record. In your record, the situation goes in fields 1 and 2, the reaction in fields 4 and 5, and the step in field 8. If you have no situation yet, write what you would need.
Check your work
The total is 3 + 2 + 4 + 3 = 12 hours, and the three have 15 free hours between them, so the work fits. One good record:
- Criteria: "1. Known availability. 2. A stated interest in developing a skill. 3. Hours within one of an equal share (4 each)."
- Allocation: "Hana: C, data entry, 4 hours on Wednesday. Nasser: A, stock count, Sunday, and B, call-backs, Tuesday (5 hours). Aseel: D, site visit report, 3 hours on Thursday."
- Open question and review: "Nasser's Wednesday availability is not known, so he does not have C. I will ask him in case a swap would help, and look at the hours again on Thursday."
Maha's note cannot be a criterion: "so that she likes it here" and "I want the team to like me" are about being liked. They are her pull, not a reason she could show to everyone.
Your answer meets the criteria if the criteria are written and applied the same way to all three; Hana does not get the Thursday task; Nasser is not given Wednesday as if he were free; nobody goes over 5 hours; and no type, gender or liking is used. Other sound answers: Hana C, Aseel A, Nasser B and D (4, 3 and 5 hours); a written rotation; asking Nasser first and then updating the record. "I gave Aseel the light tasks because she is new" fails: she said she would try any task.
For your Checkpoint 6 plan: the step is small and inside your authority, it is not a disclosure, it labels no colleague, and nothing in it is an employment decision.
Extra practice (optional)
Mubarak supervises Raghad, Kamal and Zaki. Next week he must give out four evening shifts, one each on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. His written rule is a rotation: adding next week's shifts to last month's counts, the totals should differ by no more than one between any two people. Last month: Raghad 2, Kamal 0, Zaki 1. Kamal has a class on Tuesday evening. Whether Zaki can work on Wednesday is not known. Raghad has said she would rather do fewer evenings. Mubarak's note: "I do not want Raghad to be upset with me."
Write the three-line record.
Key: criteria, the rotation and known availability. Allocation: Kamal on Sunday and Monday; Zaki on Tuesday, and on Wednesday if he can; Raghad none this week. Totals: Raghad 2, Kamal 2, Zaki 3. Open question: "I will ask Zaki about Wednesday today. If he cannot, Wednesday goes to Raghad or Kamal, once I know who can work that evening; either keeps the totals within one." Raghad's wish is a request he can hear, not his criterion: the reason to record is that the totals stay within one. His note is about being liked, so it is his pull and cannot be used.
Knowledge check
Which is a written criterion that can be applied to everyone?
A manager notices she wants to be liked as she allocates tasks. What is the right use of that?
Answers explained
- C. It is a fact that can be checked for each person. A and D rest on a feeling. B rewards not complaining.
- A. The pull is hers and hedged, and the criteria do the work. B denies it. C discloses a private note. D types her from a wish.
Module 6 checkpoint
Six short items on new fictional cases. Choose the better move and check the reason.
On Sunday Ibrahim handed Taleen a report, with a check-in on Wednesday. It is Tuesday, he has heard nothing, and nothing has changed. What is the better move?
Hazim handed Rimas a client file due Thursday. On Monday the client moves the deadline to Wednesday, and Rimas does not know. What is the better move?
Amira's team member sent the weekly figures on Tuesday at 3.00 p.m., three hours after the agreed time. Which opener fits Lesson 23?
Faten's team lead says the training date will not work. The date is set by the director. Which reply fits Lesson 24?
Taleen has 6 free hours. A peer department asks for a report needing 4 hours, on top of 5 hours of her manager's work. Which message fits Lesson 25?
Hadeel must give one development place to one of three people. Which basis fits Lesson 26?
Answers explained
- C. Silence is unknown, and holding the check-in is not taking the work back. A takes work back with no new reason. B reads progress into silence. D goes round the owner. Revisit Lesson 22.
- A. A shorter deadline is a material new risk: earlier contact, as a question, with the work left with its owner. B ignores the risk. C and D take the work away when a smaller response fits. Revisit Lesson 22.
- D. An observed behaviour with a time, then an open question. A defends her image. B is a label. C states a guess as a fact. Revisit Lesson 23.
- B. One test question, what she can change, and who decides. A guesses the director's answer. C promises what is not hers. D makes a personality claim. Revisit Lesson 24.
- C. Numbers, the trade-off and a question, and her manager's work is kept. A has no numbers. B blames. D over-gives with no plan. Revisit Lesson 25.
- B. Written criteria applied the same way to everyone. A rests on liking, C rewards not complaining, and D types people. Revisit Lesson 26.
If you had fewer than five of six right, re-read the lesson named for each item you missed, then try again.
Key takeaways
- Write criteria before you decide, apply them the same way to everyone, and keep a three-line record: criteria, allocation, open question and review.
- A type, a gender, how close you are to someone and who complains least are not criteria. If an availability is unknown, ask.
- Wanting to be liked is a pull when it changes a decision. Name it as yours, with "may", or write "not here".
- Explaining a decision means showing the criteria and the record. The criteria, the record and the reasoning about respect are this course's own design.
Sources
- Chestnut, B. and Paes, U. (2021) The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up. Hampton Roads. PDF page 54 (the section "Needing to Be Liked" and its lead-in "If you identify as a Type 2") and PDF page 60 (the list of actions for that type), from the text layer of the original PDF. PDF page numbers are used, not printed numbers.
- Riso, D. R. with Hudson, R. (1996) Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery (revised edition). Houghton Mifflin. PDF page 70, from the text layer.
- This course's own design: the criteria, the three-line allocation record, the treatment of an unknown availability, the reasoning about being liked and respected, Record Checkpoint 6, the Module 6 checkpoint, and the cases of Yazan, Maha, Mubarak, Ibrahim, Hazim, Amira, Faten, Taleen and Hadeel (fictional). No source cited for this lesson gives a tested method for fair allocation. That statement is about the sources cited, not about every source.