Observe Without Becoming Your Own Critic
Where you are: Module 1 · Lesson 5 of 30 · about 21 minutes (reading 11, practice 10). You can now separate facts from story and notice body, feeling and thought. This lesson shows you how to look at your own mistakes without attacking yourself, and without excusing yourself.
What you'll be able to do
- Recognise the "critic" and the "lawyer", two voices that often arrive after a mistake.
- Rewrite a harsh or defensive line as a neutral observation with one small next step.
- Explain why observing yourself is not the same as excusing yourself.
A second voice often arrives
When you see that you handled something badly, your mind rarely stops at the fact. It adds a verdict. For many people the verdict sounds like a critic: "I'm useless at this." For others it sounds like a lawyer: "I had no choice." Both feel natural. Neither helps you learn.
What the authors teach
Beatrice Chestnut and Uranio Paes say that you must not judge yourself as you explore your pattern, and that you should cultivate self-compassion. For readers who identify with Type 1, a pattern focused on getting things right, they describe the first step of growth as noticing your habits of judging yourself and others, without judging yourself further for judging. In their conclusion they say that self-criticism stops your forward momentum.
Don Riso and Russ Hudson write that observing our fears, hurts and weaknesses without judgement and without justification is one of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves.
The authors write the first step for one type. This course uses the same idea for any habit you notice.
Critic, lawyer and observer
The three voices below are this course's own way of describing the idea.
| Voice | What it sounds like | What it does to the facts | What happens next time |
|---|---|---|---|
| Critic | "I'm a terrible manager." | Turns one event into a verdict on you | You feel bad and may start hiding mistakes |
| Lawyer | "We had no time. He should have said earlier." | Keeps some real facts but stops the question of what effect you had | You may repeat the behaviour |
| Observer | What happened, a possible reason, an effect and a small change | Keeps all the facts, including the uncomfortable ones | You have one thing to try |
The lawyer is often partly right. A fixed deadline is a real constraint. The problem is that the lawyer uses it to stop looking.
The observer template
This template is this course's design. Write one statement in this form:
"When [event], I [action]. I may have been trying to [possible reason]. The effect I can check is [effect]. Next time I will try [small alternative]."
- Event: a specific time and place, not "always" or "in meetings".
- Action: what a camera would have seen you do.
- Possible reason: a guess about your motive, with "may".
- Effect I can check: something you can find out, not a guess about how someone feels.
- Small alternative: one step, small enough to do next time, that respects the real constraints.
Observing is not excusing. The observer keeps the fact that you did something with a cost. Self-compassion here means treating yourself as someone who can learn. It does not mean lowering the standard.
When it is more than a work habit: if harsh self-criticism feels much more serious than a work habit, talk to a suitable professional. Chestnut and Paes themselves write: "Ask for help. Therapy with a professional you like and trust can be life-changing." If you or someone else may be in danger now, stop this exercise and use your workplace emergency process or local emergency services. This course does not diagnose.
Worked example
Lina supervises a bank branch whose rule is to answer every complaint on the day it arrives. On Sunday evening she answered a customer's complaint email in a sharp tone, before she had read the earlier messages in the thread. The next morning the customer wrote to the regional manager.
- Self-attack: "I'm terrible with customers."
- Observation: "On Sunday evening I answered the customer's complaint in a sharp tone before I had read the whole thread. I may have been trying to close the matter before the end of the day. The effect I can check is whether my reply led the customer to write to the regional manager, which the customer's second email may show. Next time I will try reading the whole thread, then waiting ten minutes, before I reply."
"Terrible with customers" is a label on the whole person. The observation names two actions a camera could see, at a specific time. It keeps the real same-day rule, uses "may", and ends with something small to try.
Your turn
Write your rewrites privately in your own notes. Rewrite each self-attack line as an observation, using the template where it fits. At minimum, each rewrite must say what happened in specific terms and end with one small next step. Do not use "always", "never", "hopeless" or "just a [kind of] person".
Line 1. "I'm just a controlling person." Facts: On Tuesday night Maha rewrote Nasser's report, which arrived at 16.10 against a 12.00 noon deadline. At the Wednesday 9.00 huddle she said, sharply, "Next time, deliver on time or tell me." Nothing in the facts says whether the rewrite was needed.
Line 2. "I'm hopeless at handovers." Facts: Tariq made six handovers this year. Four used the team checklist and missed nothing. Two, one in March and one last Thursday, were done without the checklist, and each missed a step. Last Thursday he handed over an open system change in ten minutes before a supplier call and did not mention that the claims team must test it before it goes live. The change caused a 50-minute outage on Sunday.
Line 3. "I always stop people speaking in meetings." Facts: In Monday's planning meeting Rania interrupted Ziyad twice when he raised a stock-space concern. The plan was due at the warehouse at 13.00. In last week's meeting two planners challenged her plan, and she listened until they finished.
Check your work
Line 1. "On Tuesday night I rewrote Nasser's report, and at the Wednesday huddle I spoke sharply. I may have been trying to protect the deadline. The effect I can check is whether Nasser found it harder to explain the delay, which I can ask him. Next time I will try asking one question about the delay before I decide to rewrite."
Line 2. "Two of my six handovers this year were done without the checklist, and each missed a step. Last Thursday I handed over the system change in ten minutes without it and left out the claims-team test. I may have been fitting it into the time before my call. The effect I already know is the 50-minute outage. Next time I will try using the checklist for the next open change, even in a ten-minute handover."
Line 3. "On Monday I interrupted Ziyad twice when he raised the stock-space concern. I may have been trying to protect the 13.00 cut-off. The effect I can check is whether his concern was valid and whether he speaks in next week's meeting. Next time I will try asking one question about the risk, and if there is no time, naming when we will come back to it."
Criteria: no verdict on the whole person, and no "always", "never" or "hopeless"; the uncomfortable fact stays in; real constraints stay in but are not used as an excuse; "may" marks the reason as a guess; the effect is something you can find out; the next step is small.
Notice that the facts in Lines 2 and 3 test the critic's words. Four of six handovers were complete. Last week Rania heard two planners out. "Hopeless" and "always" are not supported, though what happened is still a fact.
Common mistakes: "I rewrote it because I'm a perfectionist" swaps one label for another. "We had no time, so it was fine" is the lawyer. "I'll never rush a handover again" is a big promise that is likely to break, and then the critic returns.
Extra practice (optional)
Rewrite each as an observation with one small next step.
- A. "I'm a terrible listener." Facts: In Wednesday's one-to-one a team member was describing a supplier problem. Maha looked at her phone twice. The team member stopped mid-sentence once, then went on. Maha does not know why she stopped.
- B. "I'm too soft. Nobody respects me." Facts: Last Sunday a team member asked to move a deadline by two days. Maha agreed without asking why. The report reached the director on time. Nothing in the facts shows what the team member thinks of Maha.
Key. A: "In Wednesday's one-to-one I looked at my phone twice while a team member described a supplier problem, and she stopped mid-sentence once. I may have been trying to keep up with messages. I can check whether she wants to raise the problem again. Next time I will put my phone away before one-to-ones." B: "Last Sunday I agreed to move a deadline by two days without asking why; the report still arrived on time. I may have been trying to avoid conflict. I can check whether others now expect the same. Next time I will ask one question about the reason before I agree." "Nobody respects me" cannot stay: it is a belief about other people's minds.
Knowledge check
On Monday Ghada interrupted a technician twice when he raised a calibration concern, to keep the meeting on time. Which reflection best meets the aim of this lesson?
'The supplier changed the order late and the schedule was already full, so anyone would have been late.' Which voice is this?
What does 'observing is not excusing' mean?
Answers explained
- B names the action, gives a possible reason with "may" and ends with a small step. A is an absolute promise that tends to break. C is the lawyer. D is the critic.
- D: the constraint may be real, but the sentence uses it to stop asking what effect the speaker had. A is wrong because there is no verdict on the speaker. B is wrong because there is no action, effect or next step. C is wrong because it is a response to a late delivery.
- A keeps the whole picture. B lowers the standard, C removes real facts, and D just moves the blame.
Key takeaways
- After a mistake, a critic ("I'm hopeless") or a lawyer ("I had no choice") often speaks first. Neither helps you learn.
- The observer keeps all the facts: the real constraint and what you did.
- The template gives one statement: event, action, possible reason, effect to check, one small step.
- Self-compassion means treating yourself as someone who can learn. It does not mean lowering the standard.
- Next lesson: you set up your private record.
Sources
- Chestnut, B. and Paes, U. (2021) The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up. Hampton Roads Publishing. PDF pages 19 (you must not judge yourself; cultivate self-compassion), 27 (Type 1: noticing habits of judging yourself and others without judging yourself further) and 272 (self-criticism stops your forward momentum; "Ask for help. Therapy with a professional you like and trust can be life-changing", printed page 259). The printed page is the PDF page minus 13. Publisher listing: Simon and Schuster (the listing does not show these pages).
- Riso, D. R. with Hudson, R. (1996) Personality Types, revised edition. Houghton Mifflin. PDF page 63 (observing without judgement and without justification).
- The critic, lawyer and observer comparison, the observer template and the cases of Lina, Maha, Nasser, Tariq, Rania, Ziyad and Ghada are this course's own design and fictional examples.