Stay Present When Someone Disagrees
Where you are: Module 6 · Lesson 24 of 30 · about 26 minutes (reading 12, video 2, practice 12). This lesson works on the moment someone says your plan will not work: how to notice your first impulse privately, ask one question, and say clearly what you can change and who decides the rest.
What you'll be able to do
- Name your first impulse in a disagreement privately, in one word.
- Ask one open test question that finds out what the other person knows.
- State your constraint, what can move, and who decides, without promising what you cannot decide.
- Keep authority and personality apart.
What the sources give
This lesson works on your own impulse and a short script. It never decides what a colleague is like, and nothing in it is a basis for an employment decision.
- Chestnut and Paes (2021), in a section on avoiding conflict written for readers who identify with Type 9, include: "Practice 'leaning into' conflict to express disagreement and make yourself more known, more important, and more included as who you really are." and "Engage in conflict in small ways by saying 'no' and establishing healthy boundaries." These are suggestions for readers of that type. We use them as one example that the authors treat avoiding disagreement as something to practise. We do not use them to say that any reader or colleague is that type.
- Riso and Hudson (1996): "there is no easy, automatic way to diagnose either yourself or others." So the impulse words below describe what you do in a moment. They are not types.
Our reading. We found no tested method for handling disagreement in the sources cited for this course. The impulse words, the three moves and the rules below are this course's own design.
Four first impulses (our words)
When someone says your plan will not work, you may notice one of these in yourself.
| Word | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Insist | You repeat the plan or the date, and the other person stops talking. |
| Smooth over | You reassure ("it will be fine") without testing what they said. |
| Go quiet | You say nothing in the moment. |
| Fix alone | You go away and rework it yourself, without asking. |
These are four words, not a full list. "Not sure" and "another word" are also valid. You name your word privately, in your own notes.
Three moves (our design)
- Name the impulse, privately. Write one word, or say it to yourself. If you have already started to act on it, you can stop, say so, and start again.
- Ask one test question. It is open, it is about the plan and not the person, and it asks for a fact, an example or what would change. Then wait for the answer. One question, not a list.
- State your constraint, what can move, and who decides. Your constraint is the limit you work within. What can move is what you are able to change. Who decides is the person for any limit that is not yours.
Authority is not personality
"The budget is my manager's decision" is about authority. "She always attacks my plans" is a claim about a person, and the facts you have rarely support it. State the authority; leave the personality out.
Promise only what you can decide
If the answer to your question shows a need that only someone else can meet, do not promise it. Offer what is yours to change, and take the need, with the facts, to the person who decides. Do not guess their answer either. Staying present does not mean agreeing: you decide after you have the facts.
Worked example
Othman leads a hotel housekeeping team. On Sunday at 8.00 a.m. he says a new room checklist starts on Monday. His team lead, Ibtisam, says: "I don't think Monday works." The general manager wrote the checklist. Othman may decide when and how the team starts using it, within this month.
| Move | Othman's version |
|---|---|
| Impulse (private) | "Smooth over. I wanted to say 'It will be fine.'" |
| Test question | "Which part can't be done from Monday?" |
| Ibtisam's answer | "Floors 4 and 5 are being refitted on Monday. The checklist needs the supply cart that is stored there." |
| Constraint | "The checklist is the general manager's. I can't change what is in it." |
| What can move | "I can change when and how we start. We could start on Thursday on the floors that are not being refitted." |
| Who decides | "The general manager decides the checklist. If it must start on floors 4 and 5 on Monday, I'll ask her, with this fact." |
What he cannot say: that Ibtisam is always negative; that she is right, or wrong, about everything she raised; that the general manager will agree.
Watch: Stay present when someone disagrees
The video follows Tahani, who runs training at a private hospital, and her team lead Leen, on the day Leen says a training deadline will not work. As you watch, notice:
- the two first replies Tahani tries, and what each one stops;
- how she catches herself, stops and restarts, and the one word she writes privately;
- the sentence in which she says what she can change and who decides the rest.
The lesson teaches the same points in text, so it is complete without the video.
Your turn
Work in your private coaching record (Lesson 6). Nothing here is sent anywhere.
Maha is a first-time supervisor. You met this event in Lesson 7. On Thursday at 10.00 a.m., in a meeting, Reem said: "I am not sure this plan covers the night shift." Maha went quiet. That evening she worked until 9.00 p.m. on a revised plan. The facts:
- Nobody knows whether Reem meant a criticism or a question, or whether the plan really left out the night shift.
- The night-shift cover plan goes to Maha's manager for sign-off. Maha may change the plan inside the approved budget, and may move existing hours between shifts. She may not add hours or change the budget. Her manager decides the budget.
- Maha speaks to Reem on Sunday at 9.00 a.m.
- Write the script. Four lines: the impulse (private, one word); one test question for Reem; Maha's constraint with what can move; who decides.
- Reply to a request. Reem answers: "If one more person were on nights from Thursday, I would be fine." Write two or three lines for Maha: what she can offer, and what she cannot promise.
Check your work
One good script:
- Impulse (private): "Go quiet." ("Fix alone" also fits her evening.)
- Test question: "Reem, which part of the plan, if any, leaves the night shift without cover?"
- Constraint and what can move: "I can change the plan inside the approved budget and move existing hours between shifts. I can't add hours."
- Who decides: "The budget is my manager's decision."
One good reply: "I can't add a person, because that would add hours, and the budget is my manager's decision. I can look at moving existing hours to the night shift, and I'll tell you by Tuesday what that would cover. If it isn't enough, I'll take your request to my manager with the numbers, and tell you what she says."
Your script meets the criteria if the impulse is named privately; there is one open question about the plan that does not assume a criticism; Maha's limit, what she can change and who decides are all stated; she promises only what she can decide; and nothing is said about what kind of person Reem is. These fail: "Reem always attacks my plans" (a personality claim); "I'll add a night post next week" (not hers to decide); "Are you saying my plan is bad?" (assumes a criticism); "My manager won't allow it" (guesses the manager's answer).
Extra practice (optional)
Sulaiman supervises the sample-reception desk at a medical laboratory. The laboratory director has set the start of a new barcode step for next Sunday. Sulaiman may change how and when his team is trained, and the order of tasks on a shift. He may not change the start date, skip the step, or buy equipment: the director decides those. At the team meeting, Alanoud says: "I don't think the barcode step works on the evening shift." Sulaiman's note: "My face went hot. I wanted to say 'the date is set'." Asked one question, Alanoud explains that the only barcode printer is in the day office, which is locked at 3.00 p.m.
Write his four-line script and a two-line reply.
Key: impulse, "insist". Question: "What would the evening shift need in order to do the barcode step?" Constraint: "I can't change the start date or skip the step. I can change the order of tasks and when we train." Who decides: "The director decides the date, the step and any equipment." Reply: "I can't promise another printer, because equipment is the director's decision. I can change the order of tasks so samples that arrive before 3.00 p.m. are labelled first, and I'll take the printer problem to the director with what you've told me." A promise to "get a second printer" fails.
Knowledge check
Which statement keeps authority and personality apart?
Which test question fits this lesson?
A team member says a date won't work, and the date belongs to the director. Which reply promises only what the manager can decide?
Answers explained
- C. It names who decides and what she can change. A, B and D each add a claim about a person that the facts do not give.
- B. It is open, about the plan, and asks for a fact. A leads to a yes. C assumes a pattern in the person. D asks for a motive and a source.
- A. It states the limit, what she can change and who decides. B and C promise a decision that is not hers. D guesses the director's answer.
Key takeaways
- Name your first impulse privately: insist, smooth over, go quiet, fix alone, or another word. These describe what you do, not who you are.
- Ask one open test question about the plan, then state your constraint, what can move and who decides.
- Authority is not personality. Promise only what you can decide, and take other needs, with the facts, to the person who decides.
- Staying present does not mean agreeing. The impulse words and the three moves are this course's own design, not a tested method.
Sources
- Chestnut, B. and Paes, U. (2021) The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up. Hampton Roads. PDF pages 257, 259 and 260 (the lead-in for readers who identify with Type 9, and the actions on avoiding conflict), from the text layer of the original PDF. PDF page numbers are used, not printed numbers. The lines are advice to readers who identify as that type.
- Riso, D. R. with Hudson, R. (1996) Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery (revised edition). Houghton Mifflin. PDF page 70, from the text layer.
- This course's own design: the four impulse words, the three moves, the rule that authority is not personality, and the cases of Othman, Maha, Sulaiman and, in the video, Tahani and Leen (fictional). No source cited for this lesson gives a tested method for handling disagreement. That statement is about the sources cited, not about every source.